[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
Aries (March 21-April 19): Today will be many things for you. Painless and blood-free are not some of those things.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You really overreacted with that spider yesterday, you should really go apologize. Seriously, say you’re sorry before its revenge has gone too far to take back.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Shortly after you finish reading this, a man will appear in your room. He will be tall, sinuous, and boneless, with a mouth far too wide and with too many obsidian-like teeth. He will also make the best damn pasta you’ve ever had and show you your new favorite movie. Enjoy your new boyfriend!
Cancer (June 20-July 22): They’re going to name it after you. Don’t worry about what, just enjoy your day!
Leo (July 23-August 22): Whenever you pass someone today, offer them a hand and you won’t be disappointed! The police will have a much harder time tracking you down when you’re not the only one with a bunch of severed hands in their backpack.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): I hate to break this to you, but you’re a woodland animal. You’ve been a woodland animal all along. On the bright side, you don’t have to worry about job applications anymore!
Libra (September 23-October 22): Left octopus. We’re not sure what that means, but that’s what the stars say, so go left octopus your heart out!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You know that one twinging pain that keeps bothering you? Good news, it’s just one of many things you won’t be bothered by in about three hours!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): There are infinite possible universes, so tonight you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that you’re not in the universe where you got eaten by a swarm of flaming locusts.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You will die a grizzly death. That’s not a typo, the stars think you should watch out for bears.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Hahahahahahahaha!
Pisces (February 19-March 20): You have some paperwork you need to focus on, but you’ll watch that three-hour video of cute cats anyways.
