[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
In a groundbreaking move, Campus Safety has announced that the automatic door openers of McDaniel College will now require an ID scan, which will only be given out to handicapped students.
“We decided on this move after looking at the energy being used at McDaniel from these buttons alone,” a representative of Campus Safety said. “This move will not only be beneficial to the environment, but, more importantly, will save the school a great deal of money.”
Since the shift last week, the campus has seen a dramatic shift in daily student life. Professors have reported that attendance to their classes has dropped dramatically, and both Glar and the Pub have seen their clientele almost completely dry up.
Meanwhile, large mobs of students have been congregating around major doorways. Some attempted to scan their IDs to no avail, while others stared confused at the handles on the door, unsure how to operate such a complex device. Campus Safety fears that while these students remain docile now, they may become more aggressive as the policy continues.
“It’s the perfect setting for something to go wrong, “ Campus Safety stated, “All you need is one student upset he can’t get to Chicken Tender Thursday, next thing you know the library is on fire and someone’s looting the Green & Go.”
Efforts by students to cheat the system are already underway, however. A police bust yesterday found that a number of members of the Chemistry and Computer Science departments had been teaming up to create a lab with the purpose of making fake handicapped IDs, which they were selling for $1500 to willing student buyers.
Meanwhile, the handicapped students of McDaniel have seen their status elevated. Many have remarked how their services are now in high demand, and how an economy has developed around their abilities.
“I’ve been paid over $5000 to help someone get to their 8 a.m. lab,” said one student, who preferred to remain anonymous, “I’ve also been offered sexual favors, Ravens box seat tickets, and someone’s housing lottery number.”
Other handicapped students have reported that they’ve never felt this valued on campus in their lives, and that they feel the policy is making McDaniel a better place. They did call, however, for Campus Security to raid the radical “How to Use a Door Handle 101” society, which has gone underground in the past few days, stating they are clearly Un-American Communists.
