[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
Almost all of us have watched porn – that is a fact. Most of the internet is porn, and that is a pretty fun fact. But with the over-saturation of human appendages on the internet, it is getting increasingly difficult to find the best appendages to look at it while going solo. The administration has heard your requests, or moans, and has planned to create a new research session in Hoover Library.
McDaniel will hire “professional porn researchers” to help students find whatever porn they desire. These after hours sessions will be free for any student, but will be paid for by the annual tuition increase.
These after dark sessions have been supported by students and some faculty. One unnamed faculty member claimed that “it will help students explore their sexuality.” While one student claimed that it will help him get his roommate out of the room so his girlfriend can come over.
McPorn has come up against some opposition from students, though. One student claimed that “these research sessions will give [her] SO too many ideas for fun underneath the sheets.” [She doesn’t] want to be walking around sore and cramped up from all the weird positions.”
Some students have voiced fears that these sessions will lead to collective masturbation around campus. Other students have claimed that these porn “research sessions” will decrease student stamina in the bedroom more than it already is.
“So grab your dick, and double click, for porn, porn, porn.” – Avenue Q
