[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
I live just off campus, on Pennsylvania Avenue, and I haven’t known peace since students came back from quarantine.
I understand that it was a global pandemic, and everyone was melting away in their childhood homes and losing jobs and loved ones, but honestly the six months that McDaniel was free of any and all students was the last time I was able to sleep at night without thinking of the terrors that live on McDaniel’s campus.
Students drinking, smoking, having sex, not studying for class–– all cardinal sins. There has been no ‘Spring Fling’ since 2019 and I intend to keep it that way! I want to wake up in the morning, look out my window, and be at peace knowing McDaniel has gotten rid of its biggest problem–– its students.
So, I am proposing that, for my sake if nothing else, that McDaniel do another semester fully online and prevent anyone from coming back for a long, long time. It probably saves you money, yeah? You don’t need to hire people to make awful food anymore, or even janitorial staff.
While people are away, you can use the classrooms for something cool, like a zoo or aquarium! Then Westminster can finally have a positive influence on top of the hill!
I’m just saying that everyone’s lives will be easier if we go back to fully online McDaniel, because I want it to be that way. Some might say that local businesses will suffer, to which I would say, “You think McDaniel students support local businesses??” Others might say “what about the students’ experience?” To which I say, “so what? who cares?!”
Anyone who disagrees with me is either a greedy student or one of those Westminster locals obsessed with McDaniel, even though they didn’t even go there.
