[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Don’t go to Glar today, bestie. The stars told me it won’t end well.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Inner peace isn’t everything. Create some outer violence.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You look hot today. And so does your other personality.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Brenda, please call me back. I didn’t mean what I said. The kids miss you. I miss you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): The entire world doesn’t revolve around you. The sun does though. Slay Copernicus.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Let your inner child out today. Run in a park. Play hide and seek. Eat some Play-Doh. Sniff some glue.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): You should watch the 1987 hit movie Dirty Dancing tonight. Have the time of your life. Never feel like this before. Take Baby out of the corner.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Time to do some soul searching. No, seriously. You should find your soul soon. You’ll need it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Wenn Sie sich die Mühe gemacht haben, dies zu übersetzen: Hoffentlich haben Sie einen schlechten Tag. Machs besser.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): There’s some good news waiting for you when you check your mailbox so you should look. Or don’t, I don’t care. I’m not your boss.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Why would you say that? No, seriously, you’re being so crazy right now. Like, how could you even think that? You’re so sensitive, like, seriously. I can’t believe you would say that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): I know what you did. Fess up.
