[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
Many single people across the world are always looking for advice on how to get to a first date, how to woo the person they love, and how to find their footing in the first steps of a relationship. But many people are continually looking for advice even well beyond the initial first stages.
Like myself. I am five years into a relationship with my high school sweetheart and I’m just now realizing she doesn’t even like the same movies that I do. What the heck is up with that?
Now that I mention it, we haven’t even held hands in the last year. Granted, we’ve been separated due to her living 2 towns over and neither of us committing to getting a driver’s license. I find it extremely suspicious that her mom “doesn’t feel like driving” almost anytime I ask if she can come over.
The last time I saw her, actually, was when we ran into each other at the local Walmart, digging through the clearance aisle. “Oh, hey Demarcus,” she said. What does that even mean??? ‘Oh, hey Demarcus’ like I’m someone she’s not supposed to see at the local Walmart??? We both live nearby and you’re my girlfriend, why is it surprising or upsetting that she sees me? This IS my girlfriend we’re talking about!
I just checked her Instagram to see if she’s posted anything recently, and I can’t find it. I search her name and her account just doesn’t come up. I reset Instagram, uninstalled and reinstalled the app and her account just doesn’t pop up. Does anyone know what’s up with this? There must be something wrong with Instagram. I tried calling Instagram Support and when I explained what was going on and added the fact that my girlfriend hasn’t kissed me on the mouth, ever, and the guy over the phone just laughed at me. How rude!
I’m suspecting this is all just one big prank, but if anyone has any romance advice or tips, please send them my way. I just… I don’t know what to do. Janette, can you please talk to me? If you’re reading this, you’re tearing me apart! I can’t take it anymore!
