[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
In response to university crackdowns on fraternity hazing, local fraternity Alpha Kappa Psi has begun to employ “passive aggressive hazing” techniques, said fraternity president TJ Valentino.
“Yeah, the college getting really serious about hazing, so we thought we’d switch things up. Instead of making Freshman streak and binge drink, we’ve started to use psychologically devastating techniques to make our recruits feel small.”
Valentino went on to say, “We’ll tell our recruits we’re having a party, but when they show up, we’re all like ‘oh shit, I texted you by mistake, you weren’t supposed to come.’ That really breaks them down.”
Freshman pledge Daniel Gordon said, “During Hell Week, every time I passed two or more members, they would say ‘hey’ and act really friendly, but as soon as I walked away, I could hear them whisper and giggle. My brother’s frat just filmed him having sex with a pumpkin and posted it to YouPorn. That was much more humane.”
At press time, Alpha Kappa Psi members were witnessed complimenting their newest member on his bravery for throwing on “any old thing.”
This is a breaking tables news story and will be updated whenever someone on our staff feels like procrastinating other work.
