[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
With college students, dating is all the same— apps, hookups, and booty calls. It’s like we’ve forgotten what really matters: vibing. Luckily, we found the expert: Dr. B. Ong. Not only does Beatrice Ong hold a doctorate in the field of psychology, but she also is well-researched in a field that is (soon to be) storming the nation, “vibeology.”
“I’m made for this job because I’ve always been super chill,” said B. Ong. “My parents said that before I had my first word, I had my first vibe.”
Now, some of you may be wondering: what exactly is vibing? To which Beatrice states,
“Iykyk,” followed by “Iydyd.”
Unfortunately, some of us just dk. That’s why Dr. Ong came up with six tips for you and your special someone to catch the train to vibe-town.
- If the ocean comes a’ knocking, you better ride the wave
- When you come face to face with a problem, turn around!
- If your boo ain’t fulfillin’, you better start chillin’
- When things are lacking in the bedroom, try the kitchen!
- You must relinquish the idea of the superego, in order to fulfill self-actualization on the hierarchy of needs. Remember, you are but a cog in the machine— a wandering soul in search of true purpose. Release desire and embrace the knowledge that no one truly has control.
- Vibes only
Author was unable to finish article. They quit their job and moved to Vibe-City, USA. Maybe they’ll see you there? ;)
