[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
Today, this reporter has uncovered something spectacular, something never before recognized by this institution. With all the news of the new College Center and COVID-19 and sports, this has somehow slipped through unnoticed.
Hill Hall contains a neat looking brick.
Look, I don’t think you entirely understand what I’m saying. You might have thought I said a pretty neat looking brick. Well no siree, there’s no underselling adverbs here. This brick is neat looking, without a doubt. It’s cool. It’s tip-top. It’s wicked. It’s spiffy. It’s even, and I can’t believe I’ve found something deserving of such praise, downright nifty.
Now, what makes this brick so good? Well I’ll tell you what. It’s got a brick shape, and while you might think that just makes it like all the other bricks, you’d be a fool if you did. One of these corners? A little bit chipped, really gives it some character, unlike all those other bricks. Squares, the lot of them, all stick-in-the-mud killjoys.
Want to know what color it is? Really think you can handle it? It’s cambridge. I want to find the mad-lad who put a cambridge brick in a wall of cape cod and coventry ironspot bricks and give him a hearty handshake. They just don’t make genius like that anymore! If my wife started cheating on me with him, I’d demand to know why she hadn’t done so sooner! Hell, I’d have an affair with him myself!
And best of all, it’s got this texture, this great texture. You want to know what it feels like? Well too bad, I’m not telling you! If you knew, you could find the brick, and then you could try and take it from me. In fact, this whole article was a mistake. I never should have told you about this good, good brick, none of you deserve it. It’s mine, you hear me? Mine!
Forget this article. In fact, forget this paper! It doesn’t matter anymore! I’m going to steal that brick and it’ll be mine forever! Consider this my resignation from the Free Press and my withdrawal from the College. I’m quitting and running off into the woods with my brick! Hahahahahahahahahaha!
I’ve named it Bricky!!!!!
