[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
McDaniel College has announced the creation of a new app, designed to help graduating seniors through the last few months of college. The app, SeniorFling, is devoted to finding seniors casual relationships they can use to push away their feelings of existential fear.
The app was designed after college administrators realized that fear of graduating was causing seniors to have continual debilitating existential crises, and, short of massively changing the economic structure of America or forgiving all student loans, they had no real solution. As such, they went in a shorter-term direction.
“It’s all about that brief burst of happiness that distracts you from the harsh realities of life,” said app creator Mark Johnson, Ph.D. “It’s that moment when you can just engage in meaningless sex acts with someone who isn’t going to ask you about your post-graduate plans, because honestly, they don’t care!”
The app also offers a “So I Guess We’re Dating” feature for seniors who need an emotional connection with their stress-induced sex, but also fully realize that their relationships have no future once they get a degree. This feature comes with tips on how to explain to your partner that you can’t develop serious feelings for them, and blocks all communication with them after you graduate to prevent drunken, post-breakup booty calls.
So far, student reviews of the app have been highly positive, with students specifically enjoying features such as the “Capstone Mode,” which matches students who are up at 3 a.m. working on their capstone and just need someone to come over for 15 minutes for a quick “study break.”
“I really can’t stress enough how much this app helped me,” said senior Owen Madison. “I’ve been applying to jobs all month and haven’t heard a single reply. So I’m probably moving back with my parents, and working at the local Giant, and…it doesn’t matter. Because thanks to SeniorFling, I could drown these thoughts out with… other things!”
The school hopes that the app will relieve students’ stress and potentially offer an alternative to binge drinking, hard drug use and random crying fits seniors have utilized in the past.
