[Disclaimer: This article was originally published on April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t overwork yourself. You’re almost done with the semester and soon you’ll get the illusion of freedom. The key word is illusion. Maybe you can spend the summer learning stage magic, and then try to make your student debt disappear.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Change can be uncomfortable, but everything changes. The Green Terror, Glar plates, your tuition, which adjuncts are allowed to return for the next semester. Allow yourself to change. There probably won’t be protests in Red Square about your new haircut.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
People only say that you’re too loud because they don’t want to hear what you’re saying; because people don’t like to confront the truth. You could stand to stop screaming the Honor Code in Red Square every day at 4 a.m. though.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Make sure you aren’t missing what is right in front of you. Make sure you aren’t missing what’s behind you. Make sure you count the number of steps between your dorm room and your first class – it could matter someday.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Hobbies are good to have and they are a great way of de-stressing from classes. Try to get your friends involved, and then you can have even more fun. Just be careful not to let your new hobby devour you. Granted, you probably should have considered that before you picked up Terror-Taming.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s important to talk about your emotions and open up to someone, like a friend or even a pet. For those in search of a pet, the squirrels that can usually be found near Red Square make fantastic friends. Just get your rabies shot and wear thick gloves — thicker than you think you need, those claws can get pretty sharp.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Sleep is all too rare among college students, and of course you are no exception. Make sure you’re squeezing a few hours in here and there, and please contact the editorial staff if you happen to find some method of freezing time or eliminating the need for sleep entirely.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The Scorpio horoscope has been omitted due to a conflict of interest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Class registration is coming up, so you are probably anxious along with everyone else on campus. Channel that nervous energy into creating something. Something weird. Cut up some old magazines and make a collage. Just don’t pay too close attention to the sentences that your clippings spell out when your back is turned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You have made large strides coming out of your comfort zone at college. Consider going further out of your comfort zone by changing your major. Of course you have time to finish all of the requirements; the college will gladly accept your overload credit fees, or even tuition for an additional semester.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
A surprise will be waiting for you the next time you get food from Pub. Order fries, and then take them with you to the nearest mirror. If you whisper “McDaniel College” three times, the ghost of an alumnus from the class of 1890 will appear and shame you for not calling it WMC.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Don’t forget to eat full, healthy meals, even if you’re distracted by work. Bring granola bars with you to the computer lab, and take trail mix if you go searching the nooks and crannies of campus for secrets. The kind with the M&Ms is best for feeding whatever you might find.
