[Disclaimer: This article was originally published for April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
In light of the increasing cost of college maintenance, McDaniel officials have decided to close campus every Friday at 7 pm, and to reopen every Sunday at 4 pm starting on April 1.
The final decision came after the results of an on-campus study conducted by sociology students that found 95% of students make the trip back home for the weekend anyway.
“Honestly, I support that decision,” says Kelsey Sand, freshman. Nodding vigorously, she adds, “Why wouldn’t you go home on the weekends? Good food, you get to see your dog. And it’s not like we’re paying that much to live here.” Shortly after Kelsey made her last comment, a passerby went into a fit of coughing.
There are mixed feelings about the policy change, however. Of course, it will give the college much more leeway in terms of finances. Financial experts on campus have calculated that the money saved from the weekend closings will make the purchase of more forks for Glar possible. For some, though, the “closed” sign on the Pub doors is just going to turn the knife.
Matt Hagen, a junior from Oklahoma, disagrees with the change. “I literally can’t go home on weekends. What am I supposed to do?!” When it is suggested that he could walk to Safeway for food, he replies, “Walk? Do you know how far that is?”
It’s a half mile, but it could be argued that the uphill walk back makes it seem longer.
The general consensus from other out-of-state students is that not much will change: the hallways of residence buildings will remain empty, save for the occasional ghost of a sleepy student scurrying back to a room to continue watching Netflix and eating Ramen noodles, and parties will still be held in small, sweaty rooms to create the illusion that there are more than 100 students on campus.
Despite several complaints from the few students that do brave to stay on campus over weekends, McDaniel is going through with its weekend closing plan and is excited about the monetary gain.
