[Disclaimer: This article was originally published for April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
The McDaniel Athletics department announced today that the school mascot, the “Green Terror,” would be being redesigned in order to better embody the “terror” part of its name.
“We just found that the mascot wasn’t really ‘terrifying,’” said a representative of the department, “honestly the thing looks like the hidden lovechild of the Grinch and the Abominable Snowman. It comes off more as festive than terrifying.”
Instead, the department decided to poll the student body, hoping to find what it felt would best represent the concept of “terror,” to them; however, the results were, for the most part, less then helpful.
The department went on the record as saying that “the Green Islamic State fighter,” was completely off the table, despite getting widespread support, thereby ending bets on who the mascot would draw the ire of first: the ACLU or Seal Team Six.
Also off the table were “the Green Donald Trump,” “the Green Socialist Obama,” “the Green Global warming,” if only because it seemed both oxymoronic and impossible to visualize, and “Green Life at McDaniel,” which is only terrifying if the opposing team failed to recycle their water bottles.
However, one option that got the most votes is being considered: The Green Student Debt Payment. The student, who submitted the option, explained in a bit more detail what it would entail.
“I’ve spoken with members of the Economics and Business department, and they said they would gladly send a student or faculty member to wear the mascot outfit. The mascot would then yell at the other side, reminding them of their student debt payment plan, while helping the McDaniel side by suggesting federal debt restructuring plans.”
Already students have found the idea horrifying:
“The Green Student Debt Payment? I think forfeiting to us would be worth never having to face that,” said one student on Yik Yak.
“I think this would really be a great opportunity to bring to light the societal norms of a capitalist regime that place upon students simply seeking to gain a quality education the burden of debt, which will limit their possibilities for advancement and continue the oligarchic reign of the 1%,” said another student, clearly taking a more progressive stance.
The athletic department says its decision will be made within the week.
