[Disclaimer: This article was originally published for April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
This coming May, Englar Dining Hall will be hosting its first-ever dinner themed to peasantry.
“We always get a good kick out of antagonizing these unhappy, sleep deprived students,” says Suzy Jacuzzi, head of the Sodexo Ministry of Propaganda. According to Jacuzzi, the students actually voted in favor of having peasant night in a survey. “Haha, I rigged the survey so that it crashed if a person tried to vote against the peasant night,” states Jacuzzi. Upon receiving only six affirmative responses from the survey, Jacuzzi was certain that McDaniel students would be appropriately annoyed by this event.
The festivities will start off with a dirt pit, which everyone will be required to roll around in prior to entering the dining hall. Moreover, all water supplies to the college will be cut off for three weeks preceding the event. “We really want to attain that special kind of disregard for personal hygiene that you only really see in the especially destitute peasants,” asserts Anna Banana, the Chief Coordinator of Englar Dining Hall.
“It’s going to be a ball for everyone,” states Banana. “We are going to have a big loaf of bread for everyone to share, or better yet, fight over. Oh boy, do I hope that they start fighting.”
For this event, Glar will be chilled down to a brisk 27 degrees Fahrenheit in order to make students uncomfortable like peasants in the wintertime Students should not worry, however, there will instead be a carefully arranged pile of Mcplague victims burning for everyone’s amusement and comfort.
Banana states, “we try to create fun opportunities for the McDaniel community in Glar. I’m sure that the burning bodies will be the icing on the cake, although there will be not real cake, or food in all honesty. I can already see it, the students, already enduring mild, stress-induced insanity, going over the edge and merrily dancing around the bodies with not a care in the world. It will be like a campfire on a calm summer night or an adorable little pony. Oh, how I used to love ponies, but Mommy and Daddy never let me have one. Mommy and Daddy are dead now.”
Among other special appearances, including a donkey and a woman who refuses to allow her children to be vaccinated, President Roger Casey, who will be referred to as King Casey in this setting, will show up at some point. He and his entourage will have a special section of Glar set aside, which will be decorated with pure gold, diamonds, and a statue of some random guy… no one really knows who he is. They will have the joy of laughing at the McDaniel peasants.
Many students are thrilled about the event. Guy Bouncy, a junior who enjoys swivel chairs and glass bottles, states, “I’m so tired of Glar. I really can’t stand it. Why am I even going to this school.” It’s clear that Bouncy enjoys Glar, just as glass bottles are clear and as swivel chairs are swiveltastic.
This amazing event will only cost you one meal swipe. Never mind the general lack of food and inevitable descent into insanity; it will be a grand old time. Oh, and maybe there will be Glar mints present, but it’s a secret. You’ll just have to visit and find out.
