[Disclaimer: This article was originally published for April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
GREENSBORO, N.C. – The Atlantic Coast Conference Council of Presidents has unanimously voted to accept McDaniel College as its 16th member.
The invitation followed the submission of a letter of application from the Westminster, Maryland college.
“The ACC is a strong united conference that is only going to get better with the addition of McDaniel,” said University of Miami president, Donna E. Shalala, chair of the ACC Council of Presidents. ” It is a school committed to competing at the highest level of academics and athletics. We welcome McDaniel as a full partner in the ACC.”
“The ACC has enjoyed a rich tradition by balancing academics and athletics. Adding McDaniel balances our membership at an even 16. Well, 15 and three-quarters if you count Notre Dame,” said Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford. “With the added bonus of restoring a Maryland based competitor to the mix,” Swofford added. “To be honest, we have been looking for a new conference doormat since the Terps left town, and we are pretty sure we have found it.”
McDaniel: New Conference Juggernaut?
McDaniel College President Dr. Roger N. Casey announced the news to a stunned but enthusiastic McDaniel community at a press conference last night.
“When I said I would bring McSwagger to McDaniel, I wasn’t talking hamburgers,” the school’s ninth president exclaimed. “ACC, here we come!”
“There might be some bumps in our overnight transition to Division I,” conceded McDaniel sports information director Luke Stillson, “but we have plans. Not so much a plan A and a plan B. Mostly it’s just plan B. ‘B’ as in Bombers. B Section Bombers.”
“We have obtained an NCAA sanctioned waiver, explained super-agent Arn Tellum, of the Wasserman Media Group, “assuring two remaining years of eligibility for twelve student athletes that attended McDaniel College – then known as Western Maryland College – during the years 1976 through 1981 and resided in the Daniel Mclea student residency known as “the B-section.”
NCAA filings detail that the waiver was approved based on research confirming that none of the students in question participated in sports beyond an intramural level, which quite simply, “they completely dominated.”
According to Stillson, the returning students will serve as the “foundation of a McDaniel Division I sports dynasty.” This “old school” pantheon of heroes will include the following: Joe DellaBadia, Tim “the Bag” Duffy, Chet Freeman, Bruce “Snowflake” Gourley, Jim “Grease” Greising, Bernie “Rooster” Jankowski, Vince McDonald, Ken “Coon” Mullholand. Keith Stagg, Curtis “Cranky” Rook, Brad “Space” Robertson and John “Daddy” Wilcox.
Stillson’s refusal to confirm nor deny a pending major announcement regarding a coaching change for the Green Terror’s men’s basketball team did little to quell rumors that NBA legend Phil Jackson had committed in principle to come out of retirement. “Sure I’ve worked with Jordan and Kobe,” Jackson was overheard to admit, “but the Bombers? C’mon, the only hard part of that job would be picking out which five to start.”
Aftershocks of this news are rattling university coaches and AD’s throughout the country. “I don’t care if Vince has lost a step,” Duke’s Coach K worried, “he is still Vince McDonald. I’m sure glad we got our twelfth trip to the final four this year. It won’t be any easier from here on in.”
In the brave new BCS playoff world, conference boundaries offered little solace in the face of this looming maelstrom. “Bad enough that they are reuniting the Bombers,” a nerve wracked Nick Saban speculated, “I hear they are bringing back the old Green Terror. That thing was built like Godzilla. What is our “red splash” gonna do against their mascot?”
