[Disclaimer: This article was originally published for April Fools’ Day, and it should not be interpreted as factual reporting.]
Campus Security advises students planning to attend McDaniel’s production of “Evil Dead: The Musical” to arm themselves to the teeth with heavy textbooks, trays from Glar, and a slow roommate.
In an attempt to lend the air of realism to their musical, the theater department has successfully procured two dozen undead to star in the show. This has caused controversy among students on campus, who accuse the theater department of prejudice against the many living actors who tried out for the roles of zombies and did not make the cut. The musical’s director affirms that this is not the case.
“It is our duty to the students of McDaniel to provide them with the most authentic entertainment we can dig up – I mean, hire,” Brian Muncher commented. “We find that many fictional stories about the undead portray them in an unflattering light, and we are committed to banishing that viewpoint. No one could play a more convincing role than these actors, and it shows. They work very hard.”
The Humans vs. Zombies organization is not as concerned with prejudicial motives as some students. Although they have agreed to help contain the musical’s so-called “flesh eating monsters” as best they can, they do so with caution. The zombies threaten the school’s very infrastructure, says the organization’s leader.
“Look, we get that they’re trying to get the first years to actually go to events, but this is just dangerous,” Amanda Chow said. “The college is small enough as it is. If any of these zombies get loose, we could see a major drop in our population. If people want some zombie action, just marathon The Walking Dead.”
We asked Muncher to comment on this.
“First of all, ‘zombies’ is an incredibly disrespectful term,” the director responded. “However, we have plenty of precautions put in place to ease the school’s anxiety. Not that the undead are at all a threat. You don’t have any open wounds, do you?”
As it turns out, these aforementioned precautions have been in the works for quite a while. Students who frequent the theater may be surprised to discover that the collapsing ceiling, leaky roof, and other hellish conditions have been part of a plan reluctantly put in place by the Humans vs. Zombies organization all along.
“It’s a very effective precaution. The air of decay in the theater promotes a sort of ‘suffering artist’ image and has led to some of the most superb acting I’ve ever seen. It kills two birds with one stone,” Muncher chuckled. “Wait, no, don’t put any mention of killing in there. The undead are NOT DANGEROUS. Put those last two words in capital letters. They are certainly not out to steal your organs. Just make sure to apply heavy perfume or cologne so they don’t catch your scent.”
We tracked down one of the zombie actors for a comment on how she felt about the speciesist undertones and political incorrectness that the Humans vs. Zombies club exhibited.
“Hnnnnrgh,” she growled, and then proceeded to remove a hunk of flesh from our cameraman’s arm. There were no further injuries.
That being said, it would be wise to expect a few casualties during opening week, and don’t sit too close to the stage just in case.
